This is what may be the last post I publish for some time.
I had a conversation with a friend today, a friend who had discovered my blog via the Youtube video with my face in it that reached 200,000 hit recently.
He said some things that hit home with me.
The majority of what I have been writing about and discussing on my blog has fallen into two categories. The first, has been descriptions of my dating experience. The second, has been advice that I offer to others about dating and having success with women.
My friend, after reading most of what I’ve written in the last couple months, asked me some pointed questions as we talked and I realized something. I couldn’t honestly advocate the things I write about here to other men.
I don’t actually know any of my readers, with the exception of a few acquaintances. As a result, what I post almost doesn’t feel real, as if the people reading it aren’t someone else’s sons.
I’ve made some discussion of my decision to remain a virgin, because I’m reluctant to actually fully submerse myself in the sub-culture that I write about. This is, because I don’t actually view making a mission out of seducing women a positive way for a man to spend his time. I’ve fallen in with this kind of lifestyle out of curiosity more than anything else, but it isn’t something that I ever really aspired to achieve.
I ended up where I am now as a result of a number of small steps away from being the sort of person I would want others to see me as. It was never the goal, but once here, I couldn’t help but to somewhat embrace it. Not fully of course, I didn’t want to plunge in with both feet, but I couldn’t fully resist the appeal of such a lifestyle.
My friend asked me about the events of New Year’s Eve that I wrote about and whether or not I could encourage my son, if I had one, to make the same decisions.
I realized that I could not.
I’m not comfortable endorsing this kind of behaviour, because I don’t see any really positive outcome coming from it. While I certain would encourage young men to build confidence and satisfaction in life, I wouldn’t want my future son to achieve it in the way that I have.
When I look at it in that light, I realize that what I’ve been writing here has not been positive and helpful. I’ve been building a bridge to no where.
And I can’t do this any more.
I go to church just about every Sunday and the lifestyle I’ve been describing on my blog is not one that is compatible with being involved in a community that has the belief systems that churches have.
I’ve realized that I won’t ever be 100% comfortable with fully endorsing the playboy lifestyle for myself. If I had to choose, I’d prefer to live the lifestyle that I could promote to my children, if I ever have any.
You can’t move forward in life if are sitting on a fence between two diametrically opposed lifestyles. You can’t really succeed at one when you are being pulled in the opposite direction by the other.
I’ve allowed myself to live like this for a while now under the justification that it is a good learning experience.
My friend’s advice was to pick one lifestyle and become very good at doing it. Being good at both just isn’t possible.
A man cannot serve two masters (Matthew 6:24).
So I need to say goodbye to my readers for now. I may write again in the future, but if I am going to offer advice to other people, it needs to be advice that will lead to consequences for other people that I can support. I haven’t been doing that and I need to stop. It just isn’t honest.
There are things that I could be sharing that I would be comfortable with my son reading. I’ve chosen to write about the sort of things that would attract a quick blog readership instead, because I wanted to feel like a playboy, a leader of men.
I can’t continue to do this. My conversation with my friend today gave me a new perspective on some of the worries I’ve had since last summer.
I’ve dated enough women already to become comfortable with them. Any continued efforts with women that I see no long term potential in would be taking place simply to feed my ego and so that I could brag about it later online.
That self improvement process has served its purpose and then some. Right now, I need to start working on a new self-improvement project. I need to find the real me and settle it once and for all. I’m tired of living two separate lives and it’s starting to catch up to me.
To, my regular readership, thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I’ve decided to take down most of the content that I’ve written because I don’t want to be responsible any more for how it will affect other people. I’ll start writing again when I am ready to share content that is what I believe to be fully positive and that I can be sure I want to be sharing with other people.
But first I need to sort out what my beliefs really are.
Its OK to ask questions. But writing a blog like this about my experiences is not the same as asking questions. But I’ve been doing much more than asking questions. I’ve been advocating a lifestyle that I’m beginning to feel ashamed to endorse. I need to do better than this.